A Little Bit Funny
by Elysia1
Summary: INCOMPLETE: What if everything you believed was fake, and all your dreams were reality? Amy McFee is about to find out. If you are HP obsessed and like fanfiction, you will love this story!
1. Default Chapter

****

"What if everything you believed was fake, and all your dreams were reality?"

Amy McFee is about to find out. A simple girl she comes across the biggest shock of her life when she realizes the Harry Potter universe is true, and what's more, the books don't exist!

****

CHAPTER ONE - AN UNEXPECTED GUEST

Daylight had gone and the night was rather chilly. The low light and silence of dusk, however, was rudely interrupted by the sound of referee's whistles. 

The doors of the gym flew open and a tall, unco-ordinated girl fell out. The light spilling out of the two heavy doors fell into the full car-park and Amy let her feet stumble down the stairs. 

"See you guys," she called waving over her shoulder, at the others were flooding out of the gym. Chatter of "goodbye" and "good game!" behind her. Amy ran to her car, still pumped after a game of Netball and energetic to get home and cook some dinner. Then maybe after that she'd have some time to pursue her favourite Harry Potter fan fiction. 

She was usually late. So it was no surprise that she had parked furthest from the courts. Slowing down to a fast walk, and humming to herself as she fumbled for her keys. 

Like all good stories, there was no sign anything unusual was going to happen. 

Then..... 

__

Pop! 

"Oh shit!" 

Severus Snape had Apparated to the on her left. Amy shook her head completely confused and stared at the vision she supposed she was having. Her shock only remained for a moment - and then she sighed, deeply, rolled her eyes, and turned her attention back to her car. 

"We'll I've finally done it," she muttered to herself, unlocking the car. Her mother always told her that she spent to much time on the internet reading about that "Flamin' Harry Potter!" Her room also, had lost a battle to her Harry Potter Mania. Covered with figurines, a large poster and a row of her bookshelf had been dedicated to the Harry Potter series and all the other Harry Potter books you could buy. Thus, it seemed almost no surprise to Amy that she had finally gone round the twist. 

The Snape vision sneered and looked down at her as she swung her door open wide separating the two of them. 

She laughed at his menacing expression, "Oh, you're not half as bad as you think you are!" 

He seemed flabbergasted at her reaction even more so when she slammed the door. He was still there however, still staring at her through the class. It seemed so real. Momentarily unsettled she cursed herself_, you're mental, absolutely mental_! 

"Well, are you coming?" she asked the apparition, Snape walked over to the passenger side and sat in the car. He watched and mimicked as Amy did up her seat belt. Amy, whose car was affectionately named "scratchy" for obvious reasons, started the engine. It roared. 

__

What is this? An airplane engine?! Her older brother, Alan, had shouted over the noise, the first time she had driven it around to his flat. But, it was the only one she could afford. Third year in college and another two to go, meant she was a) broke and b) still living with her mum. 

The car lurched forward as she shifted it into first gear, and apparition Snape stretched out his long pale arms and gripped the front of the dashboard. 

"It's not that bad," she sighed, as she managed to shift gear again and pull onto the main road. Amy only lived ten minutes from the courts. She decided to ignore her passenger, who was looking terrified, hoping he might just go away and sanity would return. However, there was also a strong desire to reach out and touch him. Sure she daydreamed about Harry Potter, Hogwarts, Magic- knowing that it wasn't real, but always hoping. And this felt real. It worried her, so she sped more quickly home. Pulling into the driveway she parked on the grass and quickly bounded up to the front of the large house. 

She tried to ignore the figure that followed her and she paused at the door before waving him through. 

"Well, I have to shower," she announced to no one in particular as her mother wasn't home yet. She walked into the bathroom and spun around. 

No Snape, no visions, no apparitions, no nothing. 

She sighed with relief. Perhaps, she wasn't crazy. Well, not more than was to be expected. And frankly, she wasn't to sure how comfortable she'd be about getting undressed with some horrible vision following her about. 

She felt like Ally McBeal. 

__

That chick is nuts! 

After a cool shower it was quite easy to ignore her momentary lapse in sanity. She looked into the mirror, she was still slightly flushed and her spatter of freckles glowed on her fair skinned complexion. She had another spot, despite being twenty-one she was still prone to breakouts.

Frowning, and hoisting up her bright pink fluffy towel, she began to massage in some moisturiser.

__

Ring! Ring!

"The phone," she muttered to herself, giving her own running commentary as she abandoned her vanity in search for the portable phone. "I'm coming, where in God's name is the phone?"

"Hello," Amy sighed, as she found it lodged behind the sofa cushions.

……

"Uh, huh," she nodded. It was her mother.

……..

"Yeah, don't worry about it. I guess you're on your way home then?"

-

"Mum, I'm gonna have to call you back."

Amy hung up the phone before her mum could tell her how far away she was. Her vision was back. Severus Snape was standing in her living room.

And she was wearing a fluffy pink towel.

"Oh my God! Oh my! I must be crazy, I am having visions of Severus Snape in my house." Amy bit her lip to hold back the tears. She had had quite enough of this, at first dismissing it as too much running around or something of the sort. It now however, seemed confirmed; she was mentally unstable.

Snape stepped further into the room, his eyes glittering questioningly.

"I cannot attest to your sanity, but, I am not merely a delusion of some silly little girl," Snape purred. 

He actually purred.

Her leg hairs stood on end.

__

Great! Now I'm hearing things too!

Having visions and hearing voices!

Keep me away from guns and schoolyards!

"How do you know my name?" Snape asked, stepping in closer again so he was almost pressed against her. She could smell him now too. 

Not a good sign.

Trapped like a deer in headlights, he tilted his head and narrowed his eyes.

"I asked you a question! How do you know my name!" he demanded, obviously losing patience. He sneered. It was A-grade, no description possible, this was the real thing, and it was terrifying! His teeth were yellow and if he had hackles, they would have been raised.

"I'm not deaf!" Amy said, after finally gathering some gall. She reached out and touched him on the face.

He went rigid at the touch. Completely caught unawares Snape took a step back allowing Amy some breathing room and getting out from under her fingertips.

She rubbed the tips of her fingers together and stared open jawed at Severus Snape.

"Amy! Why on earth did you hang up on me?" her mother bellowed as she walked in the front door.

Snape and Amy flinched in surprise at the sudden arrival of her mother. Amy opened her mouth to respond but couldn't think of a thing to say. Snape looked at her cautiously and eventually Amy called out, "I think I am going crazy!"

Her mum chuckled as she dumped the groceries on the bench top and then walked into the living room.

Her mother froze.

"Who the hell are you!" she demanded. Catherine McFee was confused. There was a strange man standing in her living room with her almost naked daughter.

"You see him?" exclaimed Amy running up to her mother.

"Of course I see him, what the hell is he doing in our house. Amy! You're hardly dressed, go put some clothes on at once! You! Who are you?" Catherine demanded, waving her finger at Snape.

"My name is Severus Snape, I am the potions master of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry," he replied smoothly.

Catherine turned to Amy and whispered, "You're not the one who's crazy. Has he tried anything? Should we call the cops?"

"No, no," explained Amy, "I drove him home from Netball."

That came out wrong.

__

Mum, I found a lost puppy!

"I mean, he was at Netball and I thought he was just my imagination you know and then I came home, but he really appeared out of nowhere and _look_ at him," she urged, "he _looks_ exactly like Snape."

"You thought he was your imagination? What are you blathering on about? Who is Snape?" her mother asked her.

Amy faltered. _Was this a joke? An elaborate prank? It was August not April!_ Her mother might not have had a Harry Potter obsession but she had read the books and heard enough from Amy about Severus Snape to spell it backwards.

"I am," Snape said.

"What is going on here?" sighed Catherine, giving up and sitting on the sofa. She had had a busy day, and as they seemed in no immediate danger she collapsed.

"I'm not sure what's going on with her, but I was sent here by Albus Dumbledore," he paused as if waiting for a recognition of the name. Amy nodded and Catherine eyed him wearily.

"Go on," Catherine urged.

"Dumbledore, who is a very powerful wizard, used a tracking spell to locate the most powerful seer. You see, the magical world is at the beginning of what could be a terrible war. And, the location spell ended me up here," he explained, as if they were first years. 

"I thought there was some mistake, as you are so obviously _Muggles_," it sounded like an insult, "but, she," and he flicked an elegant finger at the towel clad Amy, "happens to know my name."

"Muggles?" Catherine asked.

"Non-magic folk," Amy answered. Catherine eyed her daughter, looking for a tell tale sign of drugs. 

Amy still couldn't believe it, "For goodness sake, you've read the books mother! Hello? Harry Potter!"

Snape spun and stared at her with mounting dislike.

"How do you know about Harry Potter?" he demanded.

"Everyone knows about Harry Potter," Amy said, "wait there."

Leaving Severus Snape and her mother in the living room Amy bound into her room.

__

Shock!

Horror!

Not one poster.

Not one book.

Not one figurine.

Amy looked around her room, everything else was in place, in fact, and nothing looked like it was missing. Her room looked exactly like it had two years ago before her Harry Potter days. The bookshelf had her old school books on it still and there were photos of her high school friends on the walls.

She quickly tapped onto her computer.

'www . schnoogle . com'

and the immediate response, 'No site found.'

She tried a dozen other sites, harry potter . com, the sugar quill . net, www. Witchfics . org, www. Hp-lexicon . com………..

And the same response, 'No site found.'

It couldn't be her mum playing a joke, not unless she somehow became Internet savvy and figured out how to hack into and close down all those sites.

Stumped, Amy got dressed and walked back out into the living room. The two were sitting in silence exactly where she left them.

"Sorry Professor," she said to Snape, "I think you have some explaining to do."


	2. Chapter Two

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Chapter Two - Hogwarts Bound

The explanations from Snape, however, were not going to help the situation Amy found herself in. While her mother stared open-mouthed at the pepper shaker that Snape had levitated, she was still in various phases of shock about magic being real, Amy thought long and hard about what she was supposed to say.

Snape had explained everything, that is, everything she already knew. Harry had defeated the Dark Lord Voldemort as a baby; said evil wizard had regained his power at the end of Harry's fourth year and re-begun his quest for world domination and complete destruction. The latest of his attacks, the one at the Ministry of Magic, bringing his presence back into the public eye.

Now, the wizards of the light, more aptly named the Order of Phoenix, happy that the Government was grudgingly, yet quickly, building a defense against Voldemort (be it, a year too late), had turned to other methods to counter Voldemort.

This is where Amy came into it.

She, apparently, was a seer.

And, if Dumbledore's calculations were correct, as Ron Weasley would say, a "bloody great one".

Then again the wise old wizard had been wrong before. Amy was fairly certain that she had absolutely no Wizarding ability or magical powers.

Not for lack of trying.

__

Accio TV Remote. Darn, it never worked :-(

Not to mention JK had been developing these ghastly bouts of writer's block, no book six yet, so Amy had no idea what was going to happen. Of course, she could guess, she and countless others had tried (thus the fanfiction abomination), but as the facts now seemed to indicate, there were no books and she'd be guessing real life. And, she didn't play that way.

Snape, upon finishing his explanation, with no more than five interruptions from Catherine McFee, and a newly developed respect for Minerva McGoungall who did these explanations for every new Muggleborn student, was waiting for Amy to answer.

Amy looked at her mother for council, Catherine who had been more interested in flying kitchenware than the threat of an evil wizard taking over the world was also waiting to hear what Amy had to say.

She was really in a fix, "I think it would be best if I spoke to Albus Dumbledore."

****

It had been that easy. Snape grudgingly out of his league, complied. Amy was greatly relieved, after all what was she supposed to say and could she really trust this man?

So after gathering some things and promising she'd call her mother, she stood next to Snape who pulled a silver spoon from his pocket.

If getting Snape to take her to Hogwarts was easy.

The portkey was a different matter.

She held on for dear life, afraid that if she let go of the object she would be thrown out somewhere along the way or severely dismembered. It felt like she was dragging through space, her body felt crushed by the pressure push around her, surrounded by moving colours until she finally landed with a thud in the middle of nowhere.

She spun around trying to get her bearings. _Had something gone wrong? _Nothing was familiar, _where's Snape?_

Amy threw up.

Twice.

That was awful, she'd take scratchy any day, faulty steering and all.

He didn't bother to help her to her feet. Instead he looked quite amused.

"Get up," he ordered, and he turned to walk towards a pile of dangerous looking rubble. Amy was still getting used to the fact that it was early morning here and it was nighttime when she left. Then she remembered the time difference; she traveled across continents!

"Wait!" Amy called, "where are we, are you sure this is the right way."

"The headmaster is just up here," Snape said.

A strange impulse took over and she walked in the opposite direction, "I really think we should go this way, did I drop my bag? I really need to go shopping; I didn't bring any 'going out' tops. Do you think we will be going out? Professor?" she asked and continued to stumble through bushes until a thin hand grabbed her around the arm.

"This," sneered Snape spinning Amy around, "is the castle."

Suddenly the air shimmered, as if it was a really hot day, and like a mirage, the castle suddenly appeared. 

"The Muggle repelling charms," Amy breathed silently, understanding as she walked through the gates and passed the lake with Snape still dragging her by the arm, "it's so beautiful."

She was in awe. The grass was rich and manicured, spread like a welcome mat to a giant stone castle. The tiers and windows gleamed, and unlike castles Amy had seen on her "tour of Britain" aka ABC tour (another bloody cathedral), it looked inhabited, alive.

But when they walked into the large entrance the castle was empty, and Amy remembered that in Britain it was summer holidays. If getting used to Snape, time differences and Portkeys wasn't enough, ghosts and talking portraits were another thing entirely. Amy didn't know which way to turn her head as Snape pulled her through the hallways.

Before to long they were outside a familiar phoenix statue.

"Ginger snaps," Snape spat, and the stairway to Dumbledore's office emerged.

The headmaster wasn't alone. He was having his customary hot chocolate with none other than…

"Lupin," Amy breathed and ran to hug the man. He had always been her favourite character, and as Amy pulled back from the hug she was shocked by the shattered look on his face, which wasn't so easily covered with the surprise of being hugged by a stranger.

"Oh, Sirius," Amy remembered, "I'm so sorry," Amy said dropping her voice to almost a whisper, and she hugged him again. A good, how are you holding up, I hope you are okay, I really care about you sort of hug.

"Have we met?" Lupin asked politely, when Amy finally released him. He looked better for the hug.

"Oh, I'm Amy," Amy explained and then turned to the headmaster and inclined her head in greeting, "Albus."

Dumbledore smiled, it was a beautiful thing, the man looked older than anyone that Amy had ever met (possibly because he was the oldest person Amy had ever met) yet had an unmistakable aura about him, an energy beyond his years. He was exactly like Amy had imagined him, pale blue robes, crooked nose, moon-shaped glasses and all.

"Need I introduce myself?" Dumbledore asked Amy but continued to do so anyway, "I am Albus Dumbledore headmaster of the school please make yourself comfortable, and this," he added for Lupin's benefit as Amy settled in one of Dumbledore's plush chairs, "is our seer."

Lupin smiled at once, "fantastic, welcome."

"Thanks," said Amy, "But about that seer thing…"

"She is a Muggle," Snape interjected with a sneer. Dumbledore and Lupin looked oddly surprised. Dumbledore frowned thoughtfully.

"Although she did recognise me and seems to know a lot about Hogwarts," Snape added with the air of someone being dragged over hot coals for traitorous submissions.

"Well actually Albus, I kind of wanted to talk to you about that," Amy said, looking over the table trying to communicate her urgency and she bit her lip nervously.

Lupin got the message and made polite excuses about going to track down a house elf for some morning tea. Snape however stayed glaring threateningly at Amy until Dumbledore dismissed him.

"Thank you Severus," the Headmaster said, "you have been of great help today, Minerva is still feeling rather sore, perhaps you could go and let her know that you have returned and I would be grateful to speak with her in a moment."

Snape backed towards the door, turned with a flick of his black robes and left. Dumbledore who had stood in greeting when the unlikely pair arrived sat back down at his desk.

"Lemon drop," Amy prompted with a wicked grin, and Dumbledore chuckled, indeed guilty as his hand came back from his drawer with the small tin of sweets.

"No thanks," she answered before he actually asked, and suddenly launched into her speech. She told him everything, about how she had read the books, and the arrival of Snape and the vanishing of all her "Harry Potter" fanalia. He was a good father confessor, asking the right questions and rubbing his beard thoughtfully on cue.

"So," Amy finished lamely, "I don't see how I can be this seer, after all, the next books haven't even been written, so to speak, so I know nothing or your futures and I've not got any powers."

"Oh, but you do," Dumbledore answered, "you have had the opportunity to look intimately at the situation from an outsiders eyes, in fact you are a great asset."

"Well actually, the books are written from Harry's perspective," Amy said, biting her lip again.

"Nevertheless you are still viewing us from the outside, and if you will, Harry is rather the centre of our concern."

"The poor boy," Amy said thoughtfully, if this world was in fact real, then Harry and the others had a great weight upon their shoulders. 

"As for the reality of this, it is quite a cause for concern, it seems like the timelines have shifted and somehow you were left out, what that means I have no idea," he paused thoughtfully in contemplation, "but, we could still use your help, if you'd be willing."

"Of course, I'll help with anything, I don't really have any commitments, I can defer uni for this semester even, what is it though that you want me to do?" Amy offered.

"I'm glad you're happy to help us, after all, there is another reason why you should be here. If Voldemort were to learn of your knowledge than you would not be safe. As for what you should be doing, I think perhaps it would be best if you pretended to be our seer and I'll have you work with some people from the Order until school starts."

The door of Dumbledore's office opened and Minerva McGoungall walked in. She looked very prim and strict, but was softened by the way she held her hand to her back. Amy hadn't realised her injuries had been that bad. She had been struck with five stunning spells last year, at least she still wasn't using her walking stick.

"Ahh, Minerva, just the woman I was looking for," Dumbledore greeted her. "This is Amy our Seer, there was a bit of confusion as she is a Muggle but I'm told even they have their own psychics and she has already shared with me some rather interesting visions. Amy, this is Minerva McGoungall."

Amy wondered for a second if she should go all Trelawney on McGoungall, and suppressed a giggle at her own joke, instead opting for, "hi."

"I was rather hoping that you would show her around, she will be staying for a while in the guest rooms adjacent the Great Hall."

"Very well," said McGoungall primly, and Amy picked up her bag ready to follow the Professor.

"See you at lunch then," McGoungall said to Dumbledore by way of farewell.

Following McGoungall out of the office Amy flashed him a wicked grin, "Thanks."


	3. Chapter Three

****

CHAPTER THREE - Be Careful What You Wish For

"So, how are you feeling Professor?" asked Amy, once she had managed to stop gawking at the moving pictures and get off the moving staircase.

"Fine thank you," McGoungall answered, as she turned another corner.

"It was really brave what you did, really loyal, I'm sorry you had such a hard year," Amy said trying to make conversation with her.

McGoungall stopped and turned to look at her strangely. "How do you know about it?" she asked.

"Um, the fates informed me?" Amy said with a lopsided grin.

McGoungall chuckled and she turned to a portrait of a house and said, "Hogwarts Forever."

The door flew open, "Well, these are your rooms," McGoungall explained, "you can put your stuff down and I can show you around the castle. We best not take too long because we'll be having lunch in about half an hour."

"Well, I can't wait that long to see the Great Hall," Amy said dumping her bag on her bed. The rooms were elegant but sparse. A four poster king-size bed, dresser, table and ensuite, and Amy was eager to tear this castle apart.

McGoungall gave her an odd questioning look.

"I've seen it up here," Amy explained tapping her head, "but I don't think it'd be the same thing."

McGoungall smiled fondly, and Amy remembered her objection to Divination but she wasn't going to explain the real story. So, the two walked across the corridor and into the Great Hall. Amy looked up at once.

"Wow," she breathed.

"Spectacular isn't it?" McGoungall asked. "Even the children from wizarding families stare at it when they first walk in."

"It's beautiful, it must look so much better at night though," Amy said, and the two walked back into the corridor. McGoungall seemed to like Amy, which was good, yet Amy was sure that she was driving McGoungall mad by the end of the half an hour. She had bugged her to be allowed into the Gryffindor Common room and then they saw the Transfiguration and Divination classrooms. They didn't get any farther than that on their tour as they had lunch to get too. Amy said she'd have a look by herself later on, because frankly she wanted to stare at everything and didn't feel like dragging the sore Professor about the halls.

Lunch was a happy affair. Not many people had stayed for the holidays and Amy recognised all of them.

"Hello again," Amy greeted Lupin as she sat next to him. 

Dumbledore was about to start introductions but Amy grinned.

"Please, let me Albus," she grinned.

"We have our lovely charms teacher Professor Flitwick, Frienze the centaur, everybody's friend Hagrid, the illusive Severus Snape, and of course our loyal Professor Sprout." Amy said gesturing to each in turn. "I'm Amy."

"The seer?" Frienze asked.

"Er, yes," Amy answered, even though she felt daggers from Professor Snape_. Empty your mind of all emotion_, she thought to herself, and it was surprisingly easy to do even if it gave her a bit of a blank look, Frienze was sure to think she was subnormal.

"Amy will be working with us here for a while so please make her feel welcome," Dumbledore interrupted and then he clapped and the table became laden with dishes.

Amy hadn't realised how hungry she actually was, seeing she had missed dinner a couple of hours ago, she was starving. It was a good meal; everyone was quite interested in her, especially since she was a Muggle. She ended up having a conversation about cars where she suggested Snape had been a very lively passenger, the table thought that this was hilarious. He departed shortly after in an angry wave of thick black cloak. After lunch she hinted that she was going to bed seeing she was portkey-lagged, but gave up the very idea when she got to her doorway and ended up running through the hallways and looking at everything.

She even sneaked down to the dungeon.

But quickly left, just in case.

After she had seen every room she could, including the Room of Requirement, which, unfortunately did not show her the JK Rowlings books she asked for she went out onto the grounds.

"Ello there," said Hagrid walking up to her, his boarhound in tow.

"Hi Hagrid, got any interesting creatures?" she asked. Hagrid didn't seem at all to mind that she knew things about him, instead he eagerly dragged her over to a metal cage behind his hut and showed her some fire crabs he had gotten for the new school year.

"Sure you don' wanna stay for dinner then?" he asked as the afternoon wore on. Knowing about Hagrid's cooking and being a vegetarian herself she smiled and made polite excuses traipsing back up to the castle.

She didn't really feel like dinner anyway, she had pigged out at lunch and needed to fall asleep. She only just managed to mutter "Hogwarts Forever," as she stumbled into the guestroom and collapsed to sleep on the bed. 

****

When Amy woke it was already light. She had had the most pleasant dream, about being at Hogwarts. As she groped for her alarm clock to see what time it was, her hand fumbled around the dresser.

__

Where is that bloody thing? 

Opening her eyes to look for it she was greeted with an unfamiliar room. _No wait_, it was familiar, this was the guestroom at Hogwarts, and she was a guest at Hogwarts!

Jumping out of bed she ran into the bathroom and splashed her face.

"Hello dear," said the mirror.

"Hello!" Amy said excitedly, hardly believing that it hadn't been a dream, and she threw on some clothes and left the room.

The corridor was packed; people were running back and forth into the Great Hall. Amy couldn't recognise any of them.

"Excuse me," she said reaching for the nearest person except he just pushed past.

From behind she recognised him immediately, chubby short man with a bright green bowler hat, and by the looks of it the whole Ministry was accompanying the incompetent Minister of Magic.

"Excuse me," she tried again and reached to the next person that walked past.

"Yes," he spat, and Amy dropped the black cloak.

"Sorry Snape, but what is going on here?"

"You mean you haven't _seen_ it," he sneered.

"No, I have no idea," she said, biting back tears or a nasty comment.

"There has been a Death Eater attack in Surrey," Snape explained grudgingly, "now, if you don't mind I have more pressing places to be."

"What about Harry?" she asked pushing past others to catch up with his long stride.

"What about him?" Snape asked turning around confused.

"He lives in Surrey," Amy said, "is he okay?"

Snape pushed her through a door and into an empty classroom, still holding her arm so tightly that it would defiantly bruise - he hissed, "Don't be an idiot, it is not prudent to bandy about private information about the Boy-Who-Lived."

"I'm sorry," Amy said wincing from the pain, "I didn't know. Please let go your hurting me."

He dropped her arm quickly, "the boy is fine. I don't know what you're up to but believe me I will find out."

With that he swept out of the room and Amy rubbed her sore arm. Peering out to the activity she gulped nervously, what exactly had she entered into? Fear mounted quickly as she suddenly realised that this wasn't a game or adventure anymore. After sending yesterday and this morning hardly believing her luck at being able to be part of the Wizarding World she suddenly realised what a danger it was.

Apprehensively she slide through the crowd, with nerves filling her stomach she decided that she couldn't face the people and would wander down to the kitchens for breakfast.


	4. Chapter Four

****

CHAPTER FOUR - A mission

"Good Morning Miss McFee, I have heard of you from the great Professor Dumbledore madam, how can we be of service this morning?" asked a bowing house-elf after she had tickled the fruit to gain entry into the Hogwarts kitchens.

House-elves she decided were the cutest little things, even dressed up in their little rags bound by the Hogwarts Crest.

"Umm, just some toast thanks," Amy replied. The elves hurried about to serve her and she tried to spy Dobby amongst them. She spotted him almost instantly; it was like a very easy game of Where's Wally. Dobby was wearing a red tea cozy on his head and a red and white-stripped pant suit.

"Dobby!" she called and the elf walked forward.

"Dobby the house-elf at your service Miss," he bowed graciously.

"I, errrm, I'm Amy and I guess I just wanted to say hi, you know, see how you were going?" she mumbled as other elves pushed breakfast into her hands and she sat at the little round table.

"Dobby wonders how Amy has heard of him Miss? Dobby is good Miss, he loves working at Hogwarts," Dobby responded curiously.

"I am a seer Dobby," she replied, "and I'm here to help Harry Potter."

Dobby instantly got excitable, "Harry Potter is a very noble wizard Miss, he is also kind and gave Dobby these socks!"

Pulling up to revel an ugly pair of mustard coloured socks Amy was instantly endeared. 

"Tell me Dobby," she asked, "Have you heard news of Harry? Is he alright?"

Dobby attitude changed instantly and he looked around the room nervously, "Oh Miss Amy, Dobby is most worried about Harry Potter. He has been moved from Surry to ………, a safer place."

Amy noticed that Dobby hadn't been able to say the name of the house, instead he mumbled over it. Number 12 Grimmuald Place, she thought and panicked. Was the spell broken if she knew the place without Dumbledore telling her? She decided to ask no more questions, instead ate a light breakfast and headed to Dumbledore's office to see how she could help.

**

After whispering the password Amy entered the circular staircase, she could already hear arguing.

"….you have no other choice Professor, you need me," an angry male voice hissed.

"I will not let you endanger yourself further," the Headmaster said clearly.

"I won't be able to survive, I'd rather go back to _him_," the man sneered.

"Oh, don't be so melodramatic," said Dumbledore in a gentle tone, and then in a deep voice that was not to be argued with, "and that is the end of our conversation Severus."

Amy waited; there was only silence for a moment so she braved knocking on the door.

"Ah Amy," greeted the Headmaster after he had called her in. Her glance flickered to where Snape was standing next to a wall back towards them both. His back was rigid and sharp like he was barely containing fierce anger.

"I heard about Harry," Amy started, casting nervous looks between Dumbledore and Snape, "and I was wondering if there was any possible way I could help?"

The headmaster looked at her for a moment, a slight grin on his face. She was understanding why people thought he was a tad Slytherin and manipulative because his look was pure sneak. Dumbledore sized her up and then looked toward Severus.

Amy spun, Severus who seemed to sense them looking at him turned back around and shot them with a glare that would heat steel. Amy jumped, but it was more than just the glare, in Dumbledore's office he had loosened his outer robe, the shirt he was wearing had a giant gash and it was soaked in blood. The skin underneath looked recently repaired, smooth and lily white, but she could sense that it had been a potentially fatal wound by the way he still cupped his side.

"Actually yes," the Headmaster smiled.

Snape shook his head in anger, "No," he managed to growl.

"You said so yourself Severus," the Headmaster argued, "you have no idea about the Muggle way of life, you'd be hopeless without your magic. It's the only place you'd be safe."

"Voldemort knows," Amy interrupted, "Snape warned them about Surry." Amy could tell she guessed correctly by the way the Headmaster smiled and settled back into his chair. Snape moved his hand from his chest to his face, massaging the sides of his head as he spun back around to grip Dumbledore's bookshelves and take deep calming breaths.

"You're right," Dumbledore said, "Voldemort found a way to break through the wards on Harry's family. Fortunately we were able to move them at the last minute due to Severus' help. However, now Severus is no longer safe we wish to move him into hiding. I feel the last place that they would look would be the Muggle world. As Severus hasn't taken Muggle studies, it would be almost impossible for him to integrate without creating notice. This is where you would come into the equation."

Snape groaned audibly but didn't say anything further, accepting his fate, while Amy and Dumbledore hatched a plan.

****

Snape hadn't done anything but glare, growl and roll his eyes since Amy and he had boarded the train from Hogsmede. So, Amy let them take the ride in silence.

As they got closer to London she couldn't help but say, "You had better get changed."

Snape glared at her and then down at his outfit. He was still wearing his black robe, the way he was sitting allowed her to see that he was wearing black pants although she didn't know if he always wore them of if he had put them on for today. Black boots in what she assumed was dragon hide, by the fact they were so thick, dark and shiny capped off his pants. 

"What's…" he began and then stopped instead scowling in anger. "I am not an imbecile thank you very much. I have on occasion had to associate with the Muggle community….."

__

When you were killing them, Amy thought angrily, she hadn't anticipated how condescending he actually was.

"And have never been accosted about my clothing…."

__

It's a bit difficult for a victim to offer fashion advice, she continued.

"I have also noticed that several Muggles happen to dress similarly and that they often wear irregular outfits. If you expect me to dress like you," he hissed, his voice taking a nasty tone, "then you have another thing coming. I am not going to dress in the colours of dragon vomit."

Amy quickly bit back on her outrage as she assessed her jeans and sweater. Sometimes biting your tongue can produce the most remarkable sweetness.

Instead she offered, in a sweet tone that was sure to upset him, "You're right of course. I dare say most Muggles were too intimidated to mention your outfit and while some Muggles do dress like this I assumed that we were trying to blend in. And this," she gestured his outfit and turned her voice disdainful for the mere point of angering him, "gothic look doesn't really work on an older man."

Snape hissed, "Very well, we should go shopping when we arrive then."

"Just what I was thinking, London is pretty big and has many different types of people so we should be able to skip around and get you some stuff."

She didn't want to mention the hair just yet.

"Then we can go to a smaller town to integrate to throw people off the trail. I was thinking of somewhere like Bath, of course I've never been there or anywhere in Europe in fact so we could just as easily skip off to France or Italy."

The train pulled into the station and Amy checked that no one was on it before she and Snape made a run across the station and into the safer side of London.

"Come on," she gestured, and Amy weaved through the crowds and out onto the street. Snape who had been maintaining a comfortable distance even with the fear of losing her on the crowded platforms now closed the gap as he was faced with busy traffic.

It was already getting dark and as Dumbledore had provided her with unlimited funds, via care of a magical purse, she decided that they should just get to a hotel and do the shopping tomorrow.

**

The taxi ride was quite amusing as Amy had wrestled to take Snape's suitcase trying to explain that it went in the boot and then subtly reminded Snape about the seatbelt. He remembered this from Amy's car and gripped his hands firmly on the seat infront of him where Amy sat next to the driver. 

"That was a lot better than your car," Snape said holding his suitcases as Amy finished paying the driver and thanking him for the ride.

She glared not prepared to argue, it was best to let him think they were both back on even footing. They walked into the hotel and Snape again wrestled with the concierge.

"Give him the suitcase," Amy hissed.

"Not from around here hey mate?" the concierge said grinning, surprised by the lightness of the trunk as he put it on his trolley.

Amy and Snape walked up to the counter.

"Can we get a room please?" Amy asked.

The man raised his eyebrow at Snape who understanding the insinuation snapped, "Two rooms please, one for me and one for my daughter."

__

Right, the man appeared to say as he looked back down at his computer.

"I can offer you a twin," the man said looking back up, "that's all we have left. You're late enough to get the standby fee though."

"That's fine," Amy said, as Snape had no idea what the man was talking about.

"I'll need a credit card to swipe for deposit," he said.

"Fine," Amy said handing hers over and then they walked up to the room. The hotel was quite expensive but Amy was looking forward to a good nights sleep. The room had two double beds that was separated by a small bedside table. Snape looked as if he had walked into a nightmare but Amy ignored him as she put her handbag down on the one closest to the window.

The concierge put Snapes bags down for them and waited. Snape glared at him and he scampered before Amy got to give him a tip. He turned back around glare still in full force.

__

This, Amy sighed, _was going to be difficult_. 


	5. Chapter Five

****

Chapter Five

The night had passed rather uneventfully although Snape was being quite immature about it all. Amy had half expected him to conjure a piece of chalk and draw a large line down the centre of the room. If it weren't for the fact Snape wasn't allowed to cast spells, as his magic was easily traced, Amy was sure she would have been hexed.

Regardless the awkward pair managed to dress and head down to breakfast the next morning with little ado. The hotel's restaurant was elegantly decorated and they were having a large breakfast buffet. Snape was more conscious of the raised eyebrows as he swept his black cloak through the hotel and reluctantly brought up the shopping subject first.

"I won't be dressed like that," he grumbled, into his breakfast.

It was the first he had spoken all morning, even during the uneasiness at the bathroom. The two had needed to use the ensuite to get changed and Amy was certain he hadn't used the shower or sink though was at a loss as to how to broche that subject. "What?" Amy asked, one step at a time.

"I said," he emphasised as if she were stupid, "that I won't be dressed like that." Amy followed Snape's gaze to a small man who instantly reminded Amy of Dobby. He was wearing large carkey shorts exposing knobbly knees and a bright orange and lime green Hawaiian shirt.

"Heaven's no," Amy agreed, and she cast an eye over the rest of the patrons, "is there anything here you do like.

Snape raised his eyebrow in an unspoken 'NO' but he humoured her by looking back over the restaurant. He shrugged, "Something black then?" Amy suggested. Snape scowled.

Amy had to stop herself from audibly sighing, it was going to be a long day if he wouldn't even talk to her.

**

After breakfast they caught another cab to Oxford Street and begun cruising the multiple fashion stores. After Snape continued to frown at each store Amy finally took it into her own hands.

"Here," she directed pulling several items from the shelf and pushing him into a change room, "try these on and don't give me any backchat the sooner we get this done the sooner we can get to the hairdressers."

Snape, too startled to talk, took the clothes and feel backward into the dressing room. 

"You go girl," said the shopping assistant, as she came over to stand beside Amy, "what's with his get-up."

"He's an artist," Amy responded and the assistant nodded in silent understanding giving Amy a knowing look. 

"You might want to try some of these then," she said, and she walked over to the other side of the shop. She handed Amy some grey cashmere sweaters that had darker grey and black artistic lines splashed on them.

"These are great," Amy said and then flung them over Snape's changing room door.

"Try these on too," she demanded, "and I want to see everything."

It was just too weird, seeing Snape in normal clothes. When he opened the door Amy couldn't help but say, "am I the first to see you in colours?"

Snape scowled, "I do wear green and silver at the Quidd…."

"Shhhh," Amy hissed, "remember you're with Muggles! Now get out here so I can have a real look."

Snape stepped out of the change room, he was wearing beige slacks and a grey sweater. Amy nodded, he was slim but tall and there was not an ounce of fat on him. He probably eats like a horse too, Amy grumbled to herself as Snape came out wearing another outfit. Eager to end the shopping experience Snape even tried on the suit she passed him. They ended up buying a heap of clothes, one suit, three pairs of shoes and denim jeans. And Amy insisted that he change into the dark jeans and beige roll neck immediately.

"Beige," Snape complained, as they were walking back onto the street.

"Yes beige," Amy answered, as she reached out her arm and stopped Snape from walking into the traffic.

"This is London, you have to watch where you walk." She pointed to the walk signals and explained about the red and green lights.

"…..and so, don't walk when the red man's flashing," Amy giggled at her own joke. Snape however did not seem amused.


	6. Chapter Six

**CHAPTER SIX**

If anyone been paying attention at the pair walk down the street they would have laughed at a man who walked like he had been riding a horse for a month.

"Did you have to get pants so tight," Snape complained. In truth, the pants were probably a little tighter than need be, but it's not like they were painted on, and he looked good. Except of course, for his face, which was still stuck in customary sneer.

"It's the fashion," said Amy, and once again reached out to grab his arm so he didn't walk in front of traffic.

Snape yanked his arm back, "Don't touch me!"

Amy raised her eyebrows, considering leaving him by himself.

"It's afternoon and Albus still hasn't rung us," said Amy nervously pulling out the mobile phone in her pocket.  "How about we get a late lunch at the hotel?" Amy offered, trying once again to make the peace. Plus she knew that he would need a good wrestle before he would get into a hairdressers.  Snape blinked.  She took it for a 'yes' and led the way.

As the pair rounded the corner to the hotel Amy watched as a limozine pulled up and a man stepped out. Amy recognised him immediately, from his long blonde hair, silver rings, dark jacket and pressed pants.

"Get back," Amy said, as she pushed Snape into a side street, "It's Lucius Malfoy."

"Malfoy?" Snape asked, "Damn!"

The Deatheaters had found the hotel.

"They probably tracked my credit cards," Amy said.

"Credit what?" asked Snape.

"Maybe not," Amy rethought, if Snape didn't know what they were.  Then again, Amy expected Lucius to know everything about money.  "They knew we were here, and when they check at the front desk they will know my name, darn it, I can't believe I was so stupid."

"I can," Snape quipped and added sarcastically, "but it will do little good now, we will have to skip the hairdressers and move on. Another twist in the wonderful world of Amy McFee."

"How can you still be so calm and sarcastic? Don't you take anything seriously, these people want to kill you and all you're worried about is avoiding a hair cut," Amy said exasperated.

"The Death Eaters matter little to me. Death is my next great adventure," he said solemnly.

Amy rolled her eyes, "For goodness sake, think up your own inspirational advice. And, stop being so morbid, you're only thirty six and not in that bad shape."

Snape raised his eyebrow in interest, he said dryly, "Oh Amy."

"Shut it!" she snapped, and Amy peered around the corner, the limo was still there but there was no sign of Lucius.

"I think it's okay," Amy said, and the two walked back onto the street.

"It's Goyle," Snape said, as he realised they'd been spotted.

From the other side of the street Amy saw a large offish man waving his arm and grunting loudly.

Amy quickly hailed a cab, just as a bolt of green light flew across the road, and she and Snape jumped in. Snape, getting the hang of it, did his seat belt up and sat behind the driver. Amy, used to cabbing in Australia, sat up front.

"Town Hall station and step on it," she yelled to the driver.

They just screeched away from the curb when Lucius Malfoy ran out the front of the hotel, wand drawn. Fortunately, there were a lot of cabs about and they got lost in the crowd.

After she got over the smell, Amy began checking and double checking over her shoulder and in the passenger-side mirror as they drove along.

"If they had seen which car we had gotten into they would have Apparated right to us, and we would both be dead," said Snape boredly, as he settled in the car watching the scenery.  He seemed to quite enjoy riding.  Amy gave him a glare for talking about magic again, but the cabbie didn't seem to speak English and even if he did he didn't look like the type to tell.

As they got off at the station Snape commented softly, "Cars are alright."

"What?" asked Amy grinning, glad that her heartbeat had returned to normal as she handed over pounds to the driver.

"Nothing," Snape retorted, "What now Muggle Genius?"

"It's almost three, I'm going to call Dumbledore."

"Hello," the machine voice answered, "this is the phone of…"

"Now?" asked an unsure elderly wizard, "Um, Albus Dumbl…."

The machine voice interrupted, "Please leave your name and message after the tone."

Beep!

"Hi Albus, it's Amy, Snape and I ran into some trouble, so we won't be in the hotel.  Please call us soon."

When Amy hung up the phone she spun around and Snape was giving her and the payphone the most peculiar look.

"Well," asked Snape.

"I had to leave a message," Amy said, and then explained about voicemail.  She slumped on a near by bus seat and Snape stood off to the edge brooding.  Her bags had probably been taken by Malfoy, she was stuck in a magic battle she didn't think existed and to top it off she was spending time with the most sarcastic, bitter and morbid person she knew and……….

_Ring! Ring!_

The mobile phone interrupted her sulk.

"Hello, Amy speaking."

"Hello Amy," the Headmaster said, "sorry it took so long I had to get out of Hogwarts, the phones work up here at the Shieking Shack, what excellent coverage!  I will have to thank Tonks, getting mobiles to communicate was her idea.  Quite remarkable these Muggle inventions."

"Er, yeah, right." Amy mumbled, and Snape, now interested in the Muggle phone was pacing behind her.

"So, I have heard about the hotel, alas I fear that you were being followed but due to the fact that you are safe now I think you have lost them.  They won't stop, Voldemort won't stop, one of his most trusted has betrayed him, he not until he is finished," Dumbledore's tone became more serious, Amy could tell the old man cared about Severus very much.

"But where should we go now?  We went shopping today and spent most of the money, I am worried they might chase my credit card," said Amy.

"Not to worry, there are some people I trust and I have spoken too.  They live a little outside of London.  Both are Muggles, but their house has been heavily protected, you can go there until you have time to get new belongings.  The purse I gave you was enchanted, so each time you open it the money replaces itself."

"Whoa!  That's some magic I could get used to!  So where is this place?" Amy asked, flipping one hand through her handbag for a pen.

"13 Trigger Lane," Dumbledore said, and Amy wrote it on the back of her hand.

"13 Trigger Lane," Amy repeated nodding, "we are on our way."


	7. Chapter Seven

**CHAPTER SEVEN**

13 Trigger Lane was out in the suburbs and Amy insisted they take seven different taxis, and the underground to get there to throw anyone off their tail.  While Snape seemed to enjoy car trips he detested the train.  The closeness of it seemed to turn him green and he was silent from the moment he stepped on.

Now the unlikely pair stood outside 13 Trigger Lane.

"Where is number thirteen?" Snape asked.  Amy lifted an eyebrow they were standing right in front of it.

"It's right here," gestured Amy, pointing to the red brick two storey house.  It was quite pretty, the gardens were well kept and the windows had a pale yellow blind.

Amy walked into the garden but Severus still stood apprehensively at the gate.

"Hello there!" called a Muggle man, as he walked around from the back yard.

"Hi," Amy greeted him, "I'm Amy and this is Severus."  Severus was still standing on the footpath, obviously hearing the voices but not understanding where they were coming from.

"Non Muggles have to be led in, the Professor told us this might happen" the man explained, "I'm Barry by the way."  He had soft brown hair and a friendly face. 

"Nice to meet you," Amy said and the pair walked up Severus and led him up to the house. 

"Flitwick did your wards then?" Severus asked, recognising the tingling feel as he walked on the front porch.

"A short friendly man, quite a character!  And of course the Headmaster came later to add a few," Barry explained.  Snape was thinking, his face closed and guarded.  Who would need this much protection?

The house was cosy and a woman walked up to them from the kitchen.

"Hello," she greeted kindly and Amy smiled, "I'm Rachel, we are so glad to have you here.  Let me just call Hermione down she has been up writing owls all day."

"Hermione!" Snape and Amy exclaimed at once, Amy in excitement and Snape in disgust.

Hi guys,

Sorry but I am going to have to abandon this story.  I have no time to write it.  I consider the story quite enjoyable and if anyone would like to finish it just let me know at   Otherwise I will remove it.

Thanks,

Ely.


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